


Professor Holmes (sort of) Teaches Potions

by GizmoTrinket



Series: BBC Sherlock Ficlits Based on OTP Prompts [6]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Complete, Crack, Epistolary, Gen, Not Beta Read, Post-Season/Series 03, Prompt Fic, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 03:43:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8385895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GizmoTrinket/pseuds/GizmoTrinket
Summary: Prompt: You are a parent of a child attending Hogwarts. Write a letter to the school administration expressing your dissatisfaction with a new professor who was obviously only hired as an excuse for crossover writing prompts, and is clearly not qualified to teach magic to anyone.





	1. Clearly Not Qualified (for THAT position)

**Author's Note:**

> Why did I write myself as Anderson?!  
> PS, I haven't read the HP books in three years so excuse the mistakes.

Phillip Sylvia Anderson  
PO Box 789  
London  
W5 5YZ  
+ _ **44**_  7700 900839

26/10/2016

Minister of Magic  
Whitehall  
London

 

Dear Mister Minister,

It has come to my attention that Hogwarts has hired Sherlock Holmes as the new Potions professor. My daughter has recently gotten a letter to join your school and I must say the man is not qualified to teach anyone anything! Sure, he's smart, a genius, really. But he's also a rude, arrogant sod who hates explaining anything unless it pertains to one of his insults! He's a self proclaimed sociopath; you will have children in tears before his first class and I do not want my daughter anywhere near the man. As much as I admire his work in the normal world he should not be near anyone impressionable. Just ask Archie, a child that he twisted by gifting him pictures of headless nuns after he solved a crime and behaved during the Watson wedding! (That I wasn't even invited to!)

Honestly, the only reason I can see to employ him in any position is so people can write crossover fanfiction. In which case, you should employ Doctor Molly Hooper as I already have an outline written and am dying to post it to fanfiction.net

Yours faithfully,

Phillip S. Anderson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send me notes for my mistakes and I'll fix them. :)
> 
> I don't make any money from this story or any of the others. I don't own any characters or much of anything at all, really. +all the other disclaimer rambling.


	2. Not My Area

Anderson,

I intercepted your letter to Mycroft since you're an idiot and used muggle post. And fear not for Allison Donovan, I hold no grudge against either of you and even if I did I'd never take it out on your illegitimate child. She's unfortunate enough just having you for a father. Her mother, at least, is intelligent and has some since of humour for naming her Allison. (From noble birth, really Donovan?)

In any case, if you'd actually spoken to Archie you'd see that I gave him more than crime scene photos, I also gave him confidence. Which is something you have in excess considering you wrote a letter admitting to writing fanfiction, smutty fanfiction on the AO3 account you used the same pseudonym for, to my brother.

No, before you ask, I did not read it. I have no interest in what your deviant mind comes up with while you hide behind the "anonymity" of the internet. I feel, however, I should warn you that John and Lestrade had no such qualms and read it all.

They seemed to like the character named Philippa the best.

In exchange for burning your letter so Mycroft never sees it you must stop writing. You're killing people's brain cells and lowering the IQ of the entire internet. And, trust me, that is something most of them cannot afford. I must applaud you for introducing me to the website, however, as many of the writers are better than the ones who are published. You make them look bad every time you post an out-of-character predictable heterosexual romance with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. (As Janine will attest to should she ever feel she's gotten enough revenge: women are not really my area.)

I would return your letter with all the spelling and grammar errors corrected but that might encourage you to continue using the written word as a means of communication.

Sincerely,

  

_Professor_ Sherlock Holmes

P.S. Why bother including a telephone number if you were just going to use one from fakenumber.org? Or an address straight from Google, a PO Box even?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock's a little cranky about all the teasing he got, I think. Plus the effect on poor Molly. :(
> 
> In case y'all were wondering, I think everyone should write fanfiction. All the time, for whatever reason. Always.  
> There's no such thing as bad fanfiction.  
> I mean, why else would I write? ^_~


	3. Google Magic Search: How to obliviate yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Text thread with Mycroft Holmes

(Received) Sherlock, stop intercepting my post. I'm currently burning your letter to Mr. Anderson. Behave in your new position or I'll remove the chip that allows your mobile to work around magic. -MH

(Sent) I've already figured out how the chip works and replaced it with one that doesn't have the function that links it to you. -SH

(Sent) Also, the fact that you hide your wand in your umbrella is absurd. -SH

(Received) Fine, behave like an adult or I'll show John the fanfiction again and not obliviate his memory. -MH

(Sent) Fine! -SH

(Received) By the way, brother mine, did you think though telling Phillip Anderson your "area" when you wrote your little tirade to him? -MH

(Received) Even without reading his stories the character name Philippa never gave you pause? -MH

_(Draft) Oh my GOD why?! EWWWW!!!_

(Sent) That is disgusting Mycroft! Why would you even...? Never speak of this again! -SH

(Received) Behave. -MH

(Sent) I'll get right on that when I stop vomiting. -SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda feel bad writing this having never read anything from the Harry Potter fandom. :/


	4. Well, That Explains (just about) Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The answer to the questions:  
> 1\. Why IS Sherlock teaching?  
> 2\. What is Mycroft's position in the government anyway?  
> 3\. What does Anthea do?  
> 4\. How good is the author at photo editing?

Dear Mr. Anderson,

Rest assured we took all consideration when we hired Professor Holmes to his post. We appreciate your concern for your child's safety.

Please use owl post from now on, muggle post is not secure and puts your, our community and your child's safety at risk. Also, please address concerns regarding Hogwarts to Headmaster Moran in the future.

Thank you for your cooperation,

Anthea, PA  
Office of Mycroft Holmes  
Minister of Magic  
Ministry of Magic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank y'all for going on this little journey with me. I had fun writing something that wasn't angst for once.   
> I thought about continuing this idea through to a story about Sherlock taking down Moran but there are so many other things in my head that this has little to no chance of ever going that far. It didn't inspire anything for my muse.   
> If it does inspire something for yours please go for it. I'd love to read what you come up with and will be happy to link anything and everything. :)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't make any money from this story or any of the others. I don't own any characters or much of anything at all, really. +all the other disclaimer rambling.
> 
> Prompt can be found here:  
> [Tumblr](http://lookartthat.tumblr.com/post/149534112368/writing-prompt-s-you-are-a-parent-of-a-child)  
> I found the signatures on Pintrest here:  
> [Pintrest](http://www.pinterest.com/pin/307722587009521833/) and I made the one for Anthea myself.  
> If the picture doesn't work see it here:  
> [Tumblr](http://gizmotrinket.tumblr.com/post/152330323867/for-a-fanfic)
> 
> The name came from Sabrina_Phynn's comment on one of my other works.  
> [Profile](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Sabrina_Phynn/pseuds/Sabrina_Phynn) I know this isn't exactly what you had in mind when you listed names for me but I hope you'll be ok with it.


End file.
